The Rampage of the SugarHigh Author!
by RandoMaia
Summary: A WEIRD fic that was the product of being very bored and using my mom's laptop when I'd gotten out of the shower. Very odd, but funny (I hope). Rating upped to PG-13 for slightly more serious swears. Review so I know whether or not to continue.
1. Crazyness

CRAZYNESS! (Chapter 1)  
  
A/N: Very odd & weird, my first humor fic, second fic alltogether. I know there's a ton of spelling errors, but my spell check is messed up. Just ignore them.  
  
Author: Our story begins when J. K. Rowling spills enchanted coffee on the Harry Potter boxed-set...  
  
J. K. Hey, I know what's happening, you moron!  
  
Author: Shaddup! Anyway, if you know what's happening, why aren't you ducking?  
  
J. K. Why should I duck? Ooh, a penny. {bends down for penny} {knife whizzes over head} What the...?  
  
Harry: {Pops out of boxed set} {does war dance} You shall diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!  
  
Hermione: {Pops out of boxed set} {does war dance} You shall diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!  
  
Ron: {Pops out of boxed set} {does war dance} You shall diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!  
  
Draco: {Pops out of boxed set} {does cancan}  
  
Harry & Ron & Hermione: {Dirty looks Malfoy}  
  
Draco: What?  
  
Hermione: {shrugs} Anyway... {turns to J. K.} We have come to punish you for the terrible terrible things you have done to us in the books.  
  
Harry: Like when you made me suck at the summoning charm.  
  
Hermione: Or like when you made me steal from Snape's store cabinet.  
  
Ron: Or like when you made me fall madly in love with Hillary Duff.  
  
Hermione: She made you _fall in love with Hillary Duff?!?!?  
  
_J. K. I never did that!  
  
Hermione: She didn't? But then...  
  
Ron: {blushes} Can I help it if she's cute?  
  
J. K. & Hermione: {Slap Ron}  
  
Hermione: How could you love that PIMP?  
  
J. K. You ruined the pairing I had with you and Hermy in the 6th book! How dare you?  
  
Hermione: Don't you dare call me Hermy!  
  
Author: Ooh, it annoys you? Okay then. Since I'm the President {ahem} God in this universe... {changes Hermione's birth certificate to read Hermy}  
  
J. K. So you know, Her original last name was Puckle, if you want to put that in there.  
  
Author: Oh, okay. {Changes to Hermy Puckle}  
  
Hermy Puckle: {Pulls out wand} Just for that... {conjures gag}  
  
Author: Mmmmffffmfmfmfghuresnjkdvdfafdgidsfsdlf;!  
  
Draco: Mmmmffffmfmfmfghuresnjkdvdfafdgidsfsdlf-_SEMICOLON?_  
  
Ron: This girl's a loser. Let's go bowling.  
  
Author: {Kicks Ron} {Takes off gag} {Zaps Hermione, sorry, Hermy} No more attacking the author!  
  
Hermione: Or what?  
  
Author: Or this! {Pokes Hermy} {pokes again} Pokie, pokie, pokie, pokie...  
  
Hermione: Okay, okay, stop! I won't attack you anymore, I swear, just _STOP POKING ME!_  
  
Author: All right then. well, maybe one more. {Pokies} Okay, _NOW_ I'm done.  
  
J. K.: Ron, about that bowling...


	2. Randomness and a Pastry

RANDOMNESS AND A PASTRY (Chapter 2)  
  
A/N: Yes, I'm back and hyper-er than ever. this chap is based on ... well, I'll tell you at the end so that I don't spoil the surprize. Enjoy!   
  
Author: And soooooooo... they decided to go bowling, and everything was nice and normal, and Ron was sucking--  
  
Ron: Hey! 23 isn't such a bad score!  
  
{All roll eyes}  
  
Author: Anyway... so, everyone was having a great time until the author (me) started to gorge on jellybeans and became hyper, and we all know what that means!  
  
Hermione: {Cowers}  
  
Author: Yes, it's time to torture the characters! Let's bring on a celebrity to bowl with us!  
  
{Tick Tock...}  
  
Harry: {Checks watch} What's taking them so long?  
  
Author: No idea. Hey, you! Cameraman!  
  
Cameraman: Huh?  
  
Author: Swing the camera around and put on an x-ray filter or something. Look at the front door.  
  
Cameraman: Okey-doky, your sugar-high-ness.  
  
Author: Meanwhile...  
  
{At front door of grungy bowling place}  
  
Picasso: I am Pablo Picasso and I'm here to do some weird bowling thing with a bunch of badly drawn novel characters.  
  
Guard: Can you prove that you're Picasso? Do you have ID?  
  
Picasso: They didn't have ID in my time. How about this; get me a chalkboard and a piece of chalk.  
  
Author: {Zapps one down}  
  
Picasso: {Draws a beautiful piece of art on chalkboard}  
  
Guard: Go ahead.  
  
Picasso: Thankee. {Enters}  
  
Author: Back inside...  
  
Draco: Um... Picasso? He's not a celebrity! He's just some know-nothing no-talent country artist from 200 years ago, or something.  
  
Author: Well, that's really inaccurate, but you're such a nice little slimeball that I'll get rid of him for you. {Flicks away Picasso} Someone else should be arriving soon...  
  
Author: At the entrance again...  
  
Einstien: I am Albert Einstien, and I'm here to help improve Ron Weasley's bowling with basic geometry and the principal of _AIM_.  
  
Guard: {Bored} ID please.  
  
Einstien: I don't have mine, but how about this? {Draws equation on chalkboard}  
  
Guard: Good enough. Go right in.  
  
Author: Inside, yet again...  
  
Einstien: Now, Ron, the key to bowling is AIM! Throw the ball down the center now.  
  
Ron: {Throws gutterball}  
  
Einstien: At least 1 pin, please! Get it right or J. K. won't pay my fee for teaching you to bowl.  
  
Ron: {Another gutterball}  
  
Einstien: All right, I give up! {Walks out}  
  
Author: Now, let's get outside and watch our last celebrity.  
  
George W. Bush: I'm President George W. Bush, and I'm here to dig for oil under this bowling place.  
  
Guard: ID please?  
  
Bush: Um... my ID fell in the toilet.  
  
Guard: Well, Einstien and Picasso were able to prove who they were without IDs.  
  
Bush: Who're Einstien and Picasso?  
  
Guard: {Sigh} Go right in Georgie.  
  
Author: Now, we're back inside to stay! Horray! {Nails down camera]  
  
Bush: Eek! Kids with magic wands! I'm getting out of here! {scurries off}  
  
A/N: Sry, I had to get rid of all those guys so we could get our next celeb...  
  
Harry: Look! {Points}  
  
Author: And there, sure enough, walking towards them, is--  
  
Hermione: The Pillsbury Doughboy?!?!?  
  
Ron: Bloody hell! Look at those muscles! He must be on steroids!  
  
Doughboy: SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF... ho-hoo! {Glares}  
  
Harry: I'm sorry. I had to.  
  
Draco: Well, is it fun?  
  
Harry: Pretty fun, yeah.  
  
Draco: {Pokes Doughboy}  
  
Doughboy: Ho-hoo! CUT IT OUT, OR I'LL KICK YOUR... hehehehehehehehe! Even the crumb is yum! {Middle-fingers Harry} Lets just bowl.  
  
J. K.: Here, you widdle do' boy. {Gives him the heaviest bowling ball}  
  
Doughboy: {Spinning-kicks bowling ball}  
  
Hermione: A strike!?! That's nuts! How could he get a strike? He's shorter than the ball!  
  
Harry: Blimey, Ron, you;re right. He IS on steroids!  
  
Doughboy: {Victory dance on top of ball return machine thingymugummy}  
Author: Um...  
  
Voice from nowhere: Niner niner, Big Blue to Crum-is-Yum, Crum-is-Yum, do you read? We have a breech at base, request back-up.  
  
Doughboy: {Into walkie-talkie} I read, Big Blue. I'm on my way. Roger, over and out. {Zips on CIA jacket, shoots grappling hook at the ceiling, swings out of building}  
  
All: {Gape} Um...  
  
Author: Toooooooooooooooooooo weird for me now. End of the chap!  
  
A/N: Now I can tell you what I based this on: I'm in a summer camp now ehere we're doing this play. I'm the sherrif, and I wear this fat suit that makes me look huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge! Now, every time someone pokes me, I make the doughboy noise. Weird, huh? Even backstage (really annoying to our director!). I should have another update soon, be patient. Feel free to submit suggestions for the plot in your {ahem} {ahem} REVIEW. Thx.  
  
Coming soon (hopefully):  
  
1) Swami Luney  
2) Thoroughly Modern Hermy  
3) American Idle  
4) HP Survivor


	3. The Dating Game

A/N: Hi again, sorry I took so long to update, I was packing for vacation and had about six camps before that. Also, to the author of What The? the YW fic, I'm sorry about using this idea, but it was original. I only remembered after I wrote this that you had it in your fic, sorry. we really did this in my theatre camp, tho. A bachelor and 3 bachelorettes (gender didn't matter, of course, it was all acting). Each bachelorette had a personallity, and the bachelor had to guess it by asking them questions. I'm really looking forward to writing Harry's episode... bwahahahahaha-- {developes hacking cough}  
  
Author: Hello, and welcome back to everyone's favorite asylum, my fanfic. Today, in an effort to torture the characters, we shall play (drum roll please)... THE DATING GAME!  
  
Hermione: Someone hold me!  
  
Author: Our official commentator got blown up a while back, so I'll be the announcer today. our first contestant is Miss Hermy Puckle!  
  
Hermione: {Snarls}  
  
Author: Ahem, Miss Hermione Granger. Hey, wait a sec, our commentator just arrived.  
  
Commentator: Hello, folks. Now, Hermy, dollface, sit down on that chair on the stage.  
  
Hermione: {Steals candy-cane from author (god knows why she has a candy-cane in the middle of August) and bashes commentator}  
  
Commentator: Eeeeeeeep! S. R. U. M. M. K., save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Author: My candy-cane. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! {Tackles Hermione, puts her in a jail cell, takes back candy-cane, munches}  
  
Hermione: {breaks through jail cell walls.} Hm... cardboard. You really have to put some more money into the set designs.  
  
Author: I know that, I'm just really cheap.  
  
Comentator: {Dusts self off} Thanks, S. R. U. M. M. K.  
  
Ron: That is one loooooooooooooong acronym.  
  
Commentator: It stands for Supreme Ruler of the Universe and the Mutant Marshmallow Kingdom. That would be the author. And thanks for noticing Ron. I recently joined the S. F. P. W. U. R. L. A. W. T. O.  
  
Harry: And that would be...?  
  
Commentator: The Society For People Who Use Really Long Acronyms Way Too Often. But let's get on with the show. Meet our bachelors for today. Bachelor #1 gives treats to the ladies, lets all meet Mister Softie!  
  
Mister Softie: {Plays ice-cream music and honks at Hermione}  
  
Hermione: Am I allowed to attack the bachelors.  
  
Author: I'm afraid not.  
  
Hermione: Oh, damn!  
  
Commentator: Bachelor #2 has an MD, say hello to Mr. Evil!  
  
Dr. Evil: Hey, DOCTOR Evil, not mister. I didn't go through four years of evil medical school just to be called MISTER.  
  
Commentator: Okay, Dr. Evil. And Bachelor #3, all the way from South Park, Colorado... Kenny!  
  
Kenny: {Zips up bright orange snow jacket} {Gibberish}  
  
Draco: Oh my god, he is so HOT!  
  
Harry: {Eyebrows at Draco, inches away}  
  
Ron:Erm... {inches away}  
  
Commentator: Now, let's get on with the show. Hermione, you ask these bachelors any questions you want, and they'll answer them. Then you decide which one you like best. Go for it!  
  
Hermione: All right then, Bachelor #1, what is your favorite kind of shoe?  
  
Mister Softie: Firestone.  
  
Hermione: Okaaaaaay, Bachelor #2, same question.  
  
Dr. Evil: I like any kind of shoe as long as it's evil, but I really tend to go for Nikes. {pinky finger to corner of mouth, evil smile}  
  
Hermione: And same question to you, Bachelor #3.  
  
Kenny: {Gibberish}  
  
Hermione: Aw, that's so sweet. Now, next question: Bachelor #1, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream.  
  
Mister Softie: Ice cream? Ice cream!?!? Yay, ice cream, ice cream for all! {Plays ice cream music, zooms out of the building handing out ice cream cones, crashes through the doors of another asylum}  
  
Asylum clerck: {Rings bell} We need a straight-jacket fitting, Alison, we need a fitting.  
  
{back at the arena...}  
  
Commentator: Erm... right, now we're left with Bachelors #2 and #3. We're running long for this section of the show, so you only have one question left for each of them.  
  
Hermione: Bachelor #2, if you could be any animal, what kind would you be?  
  
Dr. Evil: Well, I'm tempted to say a cat, like Mr. Bigglesworth, but I'd really want to be... a frickin' shark with a frickin' laser beam attached to its frickin' head.  
Neville: {randomly appears} Mr. Bigglesworth is my uncle!  
  
Draco: Well... well... well Orlando Bloom is my uncle's cousin's great-great-aunt's grandmother's neice's great-grandchild's sister's daughter's house elf's former master' s vague accuaintance! So there!  
  
Ron: Who wants to be related to Orlando Bloom?  
  
Draco: EVERYONE! HE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! {Joins screaming fangirls}  
  
Draco & Fangirls: ORLI, ORLI, ORLI...!  
  
Ron & Harry: {shudder}  
  
Hermione: Riiiiiiiiiiight, not thinking about that... And Bachelor #3, what do you think of gummy bears?  
  
Kenny: {Gibberish}  
  
Hermione: {Swoons} I've made my chice. I choose Kenny.  
  
Dr. Evil: How can you choose him?!?!? Mini Me, sic him!  
  
Mini Me: {Runs in with machine gun, blasts off Kenny's head, runs out to get ice cream with Dr . Evil}  
  
Hermione: Oh my God, you killed Kenny! You bastard!  
  
Author: Tisk tisk, Hermione, I want to keep this fic PG -ish. He wasn't THAT cute. But that snowsuit looked sooooooooooooo hot on him... {gushes about Kenny}  
  
Commentator: Right, so we leave our author babbling about Kenny, and end the chapter. Join us next week for... something else. But the dating game will be back soon, so look for it. {Puts Author is wheelbarrow, takes to an asylum and leaves at the front door, scurries off}


	4. The EXGAMES!

A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed… please don't flog me. I know it took _AGES_ for me to update. Don't kill me, or the next chapter will take even longer. Enjoy! Oh, and play Runescape, at , it's really great. Yeah, and I changed the set-bracked-thingimugummies to parenthases. Anyway... read. Review. You know the drill. Oh, and HP os all J. K.'s, so don't sue.

Chapter 4 -- **EX-GAMES**

Author: So, let's recap what's happened so far. J. K. Rowling got attacked by the Harry Potter characters, and we realized that Ron is in love with Hillary Duff (shudder). Then everyone went bowling, and I got sugar-high, as always, and Ron sucked –

Ron: Did not!

Author: (Rolls eyes) Ron sucked, and we scared off three celebrities, and then the Pillsbury Doughboy came, and he was on steroids and was working for the CIA, and Hermione played the Dating Game and chose Kenny but Kenny died, and I got hit over the head with a giant mallet. (Looks at teleprompter) Huh? I don't remember that happening. (Gets hit on the head with a giant mallet)

Hermione: (Snickers)

Author: Quiet, you! Anyway, let's get to our adventure for today. It all started when… (Snorts Pixie Stix) Ooh… sugarful. (Makes conga line) Hyper, hyper, hyper! Hyper, hyper, hyper!

Draco: (Joins conga line)

Ron: Malfoy is a disturbingly good dancer.

Pansy: (Randomly appears) I read his diary; he wears a magic frilly pink ballet tutu that helps him dance.

Harry: Now that's just scary.

Author: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, moving on…

Dumbledore: (Appears not-quite-so-randomly) You wanted to see me, miss…

Author: (Magisterially) You may refer to me as Empress of the Fanfiction Universe and Supreme Ruler of the Mutant Marshmallow Kingdom.

Dumbledore: (ulp) Well, miss Empress of the Fanfiction Universe and Supreme Ruler of the Mutant Marshmallow Kingdom, What's up?

Author, a. k. a. Empress of the Fanfiction Universe and Supreme Ruler of the Mutant Marshmallow Kingdom: Well, I've decided to come up with new ways to torture the characters, and I need a panel of judges for this one. Sit at the judges table.

Draco: (Offers bribe to Dumbledore)

Dumbledore: (Takes bribe, whistles casually)

Author: Well, I'm getting typer's cramp from typing that name.

Um… And now, here is judge number two…

Dilbert: I've done it! I've successfully created a teleportation machine!

Author: Uh, no, this is my insane fanfiction universe and you are here to judge at the EX-GAMES!

Dilbert: Isn't that supposed to be X-GAMES?

Author: I didn't want to infringe on any more copyrights, and also, these games are definitely going to be ex-attractions, or something, when I'm through with them.

Harry: That's what's cool about fanfics; everyone can tell what you typed.

Hermione: Could you be any more irrelevant?

Harry: sure! Watch this: (Takes a deep breath in preparation for whatever spontaniusness he has in store, then stops and looks at a pigeon) Here, birdie. (Chases after pigeon)

Author: We need one more judge…

Random Person: (Appears, looks around) Erm… Eeeeeeeep! A sugar-high person with supreme authority who can cross-dress people and force them into bowling with George W. Bush or playing the Dating Game? I'm outta here! (Runs from sugar-high author)

Author: Wait just one second, Random Person. Sit at the judges table or I'll force you into a skirt.

Random Person: (Sits at judges' table) Yes'm, I'll be good.

Author: I'll give you a random name… (browses phonebook) What about Rumplestiltskin? Nah, that's even harder to type. Tell you what, we'll call you Kenny.

Kenny: Yes'm. (bows)

Author: So, now we have our three judges, so let's get on with the games. (Conjures commentator)

Commentator: (In a constant Chee-Z announcer voice) Okay, and welcome to the EX-GAMES! I'm your commentator… um… The Commentator. First event, Draco Malfoy versus Hermy Puckle –

Hermione: (Hisses)

Commentator: Okay then, Hermione Granger, in the pie-throwing contest!

Ron: Eh?

Harry: Pie!!!! (Runs toward piles of pie, gets stopped by security guard)

Guard: Sit down, punk! (takes out machine gun)

Harry: Ulp! I'll be good.

Hermione: (Wonderingly) Wow, that depraved lunatic who's keeping us prisoner in this fanfiction has actually spent money on security?

Author: No, these guys are mafia thugs I got as a thank-you for releasing Tony Soprano from another fanfic.

Hermione: Ooooooooooooooooooooh. So you're still cheap. Good. If you actually started spending money we'd be in an even worse situation than we are.

Harry: Geez, she captured Tony Soprano? Now I'm scared.

Ron: You were stupid enough not to be scared already?

Harry: Well… yeah! (Resumes chasing pigeons)

Hermione: (Rolls eyes) Hopeless…

Commentator: Contestants, take your places, one at either end of the arena, and pick up a pie.

Hermione & Draco: (Go into places, pick up pies from piles next to them)

Dudley: (Runs on, steals pie, eats, gags.) This isn't real whipped-cream pie!

Author: Yeah, the EX-GAMES! had some budget cuts, so all we could afford was shaving cream.

Dudley: You $$hole! I'll sue you for all the money you have!

Author: Good luck. My dad never pays me allowance anymore, so the most you'll get is a buck-fifty.

Dudley: Aw damn! I'm gonna go beat up some democrats.

Commentator: Now, ready… Aim… banana!

Draco: (accidentally throws)

Hermione: (blocks pie with wand, sends it at Author)

Author: (swallows pie) Mmm… Banana…

Ron: (scratches head) I thought that was shaving cream.

Author: It was. I transformed it into banana cream.

Harry: Ooh! Banana cream! (runs up to Author) Will you make me some, please, please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top?

Author: All right, all right, just shaddup! (conjures pie)

Harry: (looks at pie) I said with a cherry on top!

Author: Ahem... (Zaps Harry into a straightjacket)

Harry: Oh, right. That. (Toddles off to the bleachers, somehow gets to the top, then rolls down them.

Hermione: (under her breath to Ron) Moron.

Ron: I don't even know why we're still friends with him.

Hermione: Well, he's Dumbledore's favorite boy, so I can suck up to the old fogey through him and get all my grades boosted.

Dumbledore: (From judges' table) I heard that!

Hermione: Shut up, old man! I'm the only thing keeping your school's grade average up; stop doubling my marks and you'll be on probation!

Dumbledore: I'll be good.

Dilbert: Have I missed something?

Ron: (To Dilbert) Don't worry, mate. She's always like that. I think she's taken more steroids than the Doughboy.

Dilbert: Come again?

Ron: Um… long story.

Dilbert: Better than watching idiots fling pies at eachother.

Ron: Well, we went bowling and the Pillsbury Doughboy came and he was on steroids, and he beat us all at bowling and we poked him, and he went away on a secret mission for the CIA.

Dilbert: O-kaaaaaaaaaay…

Commentator: Arg… No attention… melting… (melts into a puddle of cheeZ. Two half-size new announcers spring up from the cheeZ)

Draco: Neat-o! They're like amoebas!

(The one of the two Commentators walks off to sit in the bleachers.)

Commentator still in arena: Ahem!!!! Yeah, so, pie throwers, on your mark… get set… go!

Draco: (Throws one pie over Hermione's head, and the next about three yards short of her.) You stupid pies… I'll tell daddy!

(Everybody rolls their eyes)

Hermione: (Throws a pie that hits Draco straight in the face)

Draco: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My face, my beautiful face, obscured by shaving cream… and my HAIR!!!!! (Curls into a fetal position and sobs uncontrollably)

Kenny: A "9" for Hermione, a "2" for Draco.

Dilbert: Yup.

Dumbledore: Uh-huh.

Commentator: Okay then, Draco's disqualified. Next event: the poetry competition. Ron, , you're up. You have to act out a poem. You get the help of… a shape-changing animated blob!

(A black blob appears on Ron's shoulder, and he walks off to the stage. Harry, who is still chasing pigions, looks around, and runs after the blob. The blob turns into a blonde, teenage girl and whacks Harry away verbally with the destructive force of Hurricane Ivan.)

Commentator: now, please stop shouding abuse, please, and do the scene. You have to score high enough to move on, Ron. Whatever poem you like, but you taking off your shirt for any reason is prohibbited. Draco, maybe, but you…

Draco: I'm special!

Hermione: (rolls eyes) Special ed.

Draco: Oh my god, she complemented me!

(Everyone rolls their eyes)

Ron: (In a testosterone-ly lowered voice:) **Once upon a ****midnight**** dreary, **

**while I pondered, weak and weary,**

**Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,**

**While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,**

**As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.**

**" 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;**

**Only this, and nothing more."**

**Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak**… um… um… November!

Yeah. Um…

**And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.**

**Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow**

**From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.**

**For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.**

**Nameless here forevermore. **(He stares up at a beautiful portrait of

Hermione)

Hermione: (from stands) Hey!

Ron: **And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain**

**Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;**

Harry: (Steps out from behind purple curtains) Boo!

Hermione: Not like that! You're missing the point of the poem, Harry!

Harry: Who cares? CURTAINS!!!! (plays with the curtain, gets hauled off by

the security guard again)

Ron: Ahem… **So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood **

**repeating,  
" 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,**

**Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.**

**This it is, and nothing more."**

**Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,**

**"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;**

**But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,**

**And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, **

And my pills I had been popping,

Um… no rhymes….

Yahadda yaddah… stopping,**  
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;---**

**Darkness there, and nothing more.**

**Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing**

**Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;**

**But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,**

**And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,**

**Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,**

Hermione**!" Merely this, and nothing more.**

Hermione: Merely?!?!?! I mean… Ron… You… oh, nevermind.

Ron: **Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,**

**Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,**

**"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.**

**Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.**

**Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.**

**" 'Tis the wind, and nothing more."**

**Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,  
In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.**

The blob: (Enters as a raven, with purple wings)

Ron: Um… lose the purple.

Blob: (Reappears with _black_ wings)

Ron: Thanks. **Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or **

**stayed he;  
But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.**

**Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,**

**Perched, and sat, and nothing more.**

**Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,**

**By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,**

**"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no **

**craven,  
Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.**

**Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore."**

**Quoth the raven… **

Blob: Eat my shorts!

Ron: (hefts a flamethrower)

Blob: I mean… heh, heh… **"Nevermore."**

Ron: **Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,**

**Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;**

**For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being**

**Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,**

**Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,**

**With such name as "Nevermore."**

**But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only**

**That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.**

**Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;**

**Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;**

**On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."**

**Then the bird said, **

Blob: Screw Dumbledore!

Ron: (Flame-throws the blob)

Singed Blob: Heh… **"Nevermore."**

Ron: **Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,**

**"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,**

**Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disaster**

**Followed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,---**

**Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore**

**Of "Never---nevermore."**

**But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,**

**Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;**

**Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking**

**Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --**

**What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore**

**Meant in croaking "Nevermore." **

**Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing**

**To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;**

**This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining**

**On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,**

**But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er**

**She shall press, ah, nevermore!**

Author: Um… Ron? How much longer is this thing?

Ron: Only another few novels. Why?

Commentator: While I appreicate the sophistication you seem to have

aquired out of nowhere, I was thinking that you would have acted out something… different.

Ron: Like what? The oddessy?

Author: Maybe… like, a limerik? Or a Haiku?

Dilbert: I think we should cut this short. You'd make a good buisiness

manager, Ron; always spewing crap that no one can understand, so they mistake it for knowledge.

Dumbledore: I'll give him a "10" if he stops now.

Kenny: Same here.

Dilbert: Me too.

Commentator: Okay, a perfect "10" for Ron, who is done with his piece, right

Ron? Hint, hint. (Eyebrows)

Ron: Um… okay! (Steps on the blob) Yadah, yaddah, **nevermore!**

(Everybody cheers at the end of the piece)

Commentator: So… Ron and Hermione compete in the final battle, the CAGE MATCH!

Ron: Ulp!

Commentator: You have to find a way to get this _match_ (Close-up of a match, looking frightened) out of this _cage_ (the camera zooms back to reveal that the match is inside a cage.) You must do this _without_ magic, and you must be touching eachother.

Ron: Okay! (Reaches for Hermione's chest.)

Hermione: (slaps Ron, knocking him unconcious. She steps on his head, takes his wand, and throws it at the cage. It hits the lock directly. The cage springs open and the match runs out. He immediately starts trying to kill the Author.)

Author: AAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!!!!!!!!! A killer match!!!!! Eeeeeeeeeep! (Begins making a mime-box around herself, that the match hits and bounces off of. A thug takes the matchstick away.)

Thug: I'll snap you like a… like a matchstick!

Author: Idiot. I was perfectly safe inside this mime-box?

Thug: Wussat, boss?

Author: Ah, nevermind. Stupid thug. (Walks away, but bumps into her mime-box) Damn! I should have know this always happens when you make a mime-box!

Commentator: Well, this just about wraps up another pointless 12 pages of insanity, and ME, your HOT COMMENTATOR! (In a fit of macho-ness, he rips off his shirt and flings it to one side. It lands on the random judge names Kenny)

Kenny: Aaaaaaarg! Synthetic… fabric… So… heavy… Can't… breathe… (collapses, dead)

Hermione: Oh my god! You killed Kenny!

Ron: You bastard!

Commentator: (slinks away before the cops come)

A/N: Phycotic, wasn't it? REVIEW, DARN YOU!!!!! Shana… beware… the next chapter has your special moment… BOA! PUMA!


	5. The FutO Scope, and Something Very Cruel

THE FUT-O SCOPE, AND SOMETHING VERY CRUEL

A/N: Sooooooooooo… It's me, the sugar-high one. I've been gorging on Halloween candy for two weeks straight, so beware. Be very very ware. I've been promising my friend Shana that I would torture her in a fic, so, watch out Shana! This is the big one! Don't feel excluded, my friends will all get one sooner or later, especially Gwen, for not giving the chocolate-ness and not letting me hide in her suitcase and go to France with her… Mmmmm, France. K, we'll get into it now.

Author: (Appears in a puff of dramatic smoke) Bwahahaha… (hacking cough, conjures up Triaminic, and takes a dose) There, that's better. Remember, Triaminic always works.

Hermione: Ahem, will you please stop plugging now, so we can get on to whatever mayhem you have in store for us and get back to our crappy hotel room? I wanna beat all the guys at poker again.

Author: (Hefts wad of bills) Hey, Hermy! I bet you can't beat me at poker!

Hermione: Don't… call… me… Hermy… Okay!

(Three hands of hold-'em, two hands of draw, two hands of baseball, a game of lowball, one hand of deuces wild, and several annoying verses of the jeopardy music later…)

Author: Damn!

Hermione: You know, that was such a challenging game, I think you deserve something for trying… (Gives Author an I. O. U.)

Author: Grr… You will have my eternal rage, and I shall give you a punishment more terrible than any you could imagine…

Ron: Hey, catch! (Throws a mini-Butterfinger)

Author: Oooh! Butterfinger! (Runs after Butterfinger)

Ron: Hermione, my love, are you okay? That rage… I thought I'd never see you again… (slapped by Hermione)

Hermione: Ron, you're overdoing it, so stop soliloquizing, and let's roll. Wanna play poker?

(Harry and Ron edge away)

Author: (Returns panting from her Butterfinger chase, with all the previous events erased from her mind in a new round of sugar-high-ness) Hey, let's look through the Fut-o Scope!

All: Eh?

Author: Yes, I can see the future! Behold… (Presses button on an elaborate-machiney-thingamugummy that appears next to her; Widescreen TV unfolds)

Harry & Ron & Hermione & Draco in perfect unison: Widescreen… (Worship widescreen)

Author: Ahem… (Presses more buttons)

Draco: Wow! You look like a real techie! What'd you just do?

Author: I used the built-in SOS to call for a nerd to operate this thing; I have no idea how to do it.

Nerd Squad: (Bursts through the door dressed in spandex) Fear our techno-skillz!

All but Nerd Squad: (Shudder at spandex)

Nerd Squad: (Shrinks into a corner and begins to operate the machine. The first thing that comes up on the screen is an aged Pillsbury Doughboy.)

Doughboy on screen: (Wheezy-voiced) So, of course, I got addicted to all that helium they made me use, and then once I got poked and it punctured a lung…

Author: Change the channel! I wanna see _these_ guys' future.

(The channel changes to…)

Cheesy announcer: Harry Potter, the Later Years! Let's look at the cast list:

Groucho Marx – Harry Potter

Woody Allen – Ron Weasley

Julie Hagerty – Hermione Granger

Carol Burnett – Ginny Weasley

Madeline Kahn – Cho Chang

Michael Caine – Draco Malfoy

John Lithgow – Fred

Steve Martin – George

Author: But wait! It doesn't show who Harry's married to! This won't do at all.

So, to begin the torture… ahem, to find out who Harry's mystery bride is, let's play…

Harry: (Cowers)

Author: The Dating Game!

Hermione: Didn't we already do that… for me… I had nightmares…

Author: You're right. Okay, the Matchmaking Game!

Draco: (Sings soprano-ly) Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Fine me a find, catch me a catch, bring me a ring for I'm …

Author: Okay then… (Draco disappears and reappears in a boxing ring, across from Mohammed Ali.)

Hermione: (slips hundred dollar bill into Mohammed Ali's hand) Kill that guy for me, will ya?

Harry: Where'd you get all that cash?

Hermione: I won it off you morons at poker, remember?

Harry: Was that the night we got stoned?

Hermione: Um… I didn't think it was possible to get drunk off Tropicana Fruit Punch.

Author: Oh, I spiked it to see what would happen. **(THX to Venus Goddess Sailor Manga U, this is a reference to her YW fic What The…?)**

Hermione: Thaaaaaaaaaaat explains it. Anyway, I can beat you at poker even when you're sober.

Ron: Harry, you actually play better when you're drunk.

Hermione: Yes, disturbingly.

Author: Anyway, we'll call back our commentator…

Commentator: (walks on) Hey! You got to appear in a puff of smoke! I wanna be dramatic too!

Author: Sorry, they cut the special effects budget again; there's only enough for me to do what ever I want. Anyway, get on with the announcing.

Commentator: Lousy, stupid, hjtdhmveajfod… Hi there, everyone! Today, we're going to play the Dating Game! Our bachelor today is none other than the sought-after, handsome, pubescent… Let's hear it for the boy who lived, Mr. Harry Potter! Get up here, you!

Harry: (Walks onto the stage, trembling, over an applause track)

Hermione: Why do you have fake applause if they cut your budget?

Author: Shut up…

Commentator: Now, let's meet out bachelorettes! First up, a singing sensation, "Not just another bimbo," **(a real quote from her, believe it or not)** give it up for _Christina Aguilera!_

Hermione: Meh. She won't last long. Um… I hope…

Christina Aguilera: (walks in triumphantly and flutters her eyelashes at Harry; Harry retches)

Commentator: Bachelorette Number Two is a huge favorite, and all the guys secretly wish they could have her, let's meet _Barbie!_

Author: (Runs onstage and whispers to commentator) Um, something happened backstage, and Barbie got a little… well…

Commentator: Ah, say no more. Let's meet _Barbie on crack!_

Barbie: (Sits disturbingly rigidly in her seat. Overly preppy:) Hi! I'm tour-guide Barbie!

Commentator: And, last, but not least… in fact, she's only last because we read the list in reverse-alphabetical order and one of our guests didn't have a last name… heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, _Shana!_

All: Meh?

Ron: (To Hermione) I know I'm celebrity-impaired, but should I know these people?

Hermione: Um… everyone but the last one. I have no idea who she is.

Shana: (Walks in, wearing a fluffy pink boa, and flutters her eyelashes more forcefully than Christina Aguilera) _Hi, _Harry!

Harry: (Blow backwards by the gale from the eyebrow-flutter) Meep! Um…

Commentator: So, bachelorettes, take your seats, and let's play the Dating Game, or the Matchmaking Game, or whatever it's called now! Yeah! Harry, you can begin asking your bachelorettes questions.

Harry: Um… Bachelorette #3, what's your favorite piece of furniture?

Shana: The bed, Harry dear.

Harry: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!!! (Deep breaths, squishes a stress-ball into a pulp). Now, #2, same question.

Barbie: I like my penthouse!

Harry: Is that really an answer?

Barbie: Suuuuuuure it is! My penthouse is pretty and pink, and…

Harry: Fine, fine. Now, same to you, #1.

Christina Aguilera: Well, I would, like, totally have to say, like, my mirror!

Hermione: This kind of behavior should be outlawed.

Ron: Amen.

Draco: _I _don't think so! (Eyebrows at Hermione)

Hermione: Um… (Sprays Draco with mace)

Draco: (Runs in circles rubbing his face) My eyes! My eyes, they burn! And… I have pepper spray in my hair!!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRG!!!!!!!! This'll take _weeks_ to wash out, even with my Neutrogena quadruple-shampoo ritual! (Shudders and collapses, sobbing)

Hermione: Um… (nudges Draco with a stick)

Ron: Here, I'll do it. (Kicks Draco) Hey, this is fun!

(Ron and Hermione both start kicking Draco, who doesn't seem to notice and is still sobbing about his hair.)

Christina Aguilera: Oh! A fellow quadruple-Neutrogena user is in trouble! I must help! Here, my brother, listen to my healing voice: (begins to sing a disgusting pop number. Draco looks at her misty-eyed. Ron, Harry, Hermione, and the Author all gag.)

Author: What have I done? I've released a monster… ah well. (conjures earplugs)

Draco: Aaaaaah… thank you, my love…

(Draco and Christina Aguilera link arms and walk off into the sunset with the pop album still playing in the background)

Ron: Does this mean she was lip-syncing?

Author: Wait… something doesn't look right… (waves a hand, and suddenly the sillouettes of Draco and Christina Aguilera are walking into a bloody and stormy appocolipse) Aaaah. All is at peace.

Hermione: I _told_ you that she wouldn't last long, but _no one_ ever listens to me! Like, last year when I said we shouldn't go to the Ministry, but _noooooooooooo!_ No one _ever_ listens to me!

Author: What?

Hermione: I said, no one ever listens to me! And you still have earplugs in!

Author: What?

Hermione: (Yanks out earplugs) I said, NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!!!!!!

Author: Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening because I was wearing earplugs.

Commentator: (pops a paper bag) I need attention dammit!!!!! Ahem, so, Harry, ask your next questions.

Harry: Right… ulp! Now, um, #2, what is your favorite song?

Barbie: Oh! Yay! I get to sing!

Harry: No, wait! I didn't —

Barbie: (sings) _I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world_

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_

_you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_, ahem…

_Imagination, life is your creation…_

Harry: (Tosses Author a mini-Butterfinger)

Author: Righto! (Eats Butterfinger, has a brief moment of sugar-high-ness, and then spirits Barbie into a magical, giant microwave where she melts.)

Harry: Thankyouthankyouthankyou…

Author: Well, you _did_ give me a Butterfinger… and you lost just as much money to Hermy as I did… and that singing was driving me insane —

Hermione: — Er.

Author: Quiet, you! Anyway, it was nothing.

Commentator: Well, Harry, all your other bachelorettes have left, so you're left with Shana! C'mon, you lovebirds you!

Shana: C'mere, Harry, darling…

Harry: Noooooooooooooooooo! I choose to remain single!

Commentator: Is that allowed? (Runs to check rulebook)

Shana: (Darkly, dramaticly, and trying-to-act-seductive-ly as music starts in the background:) You _have_ to take me… (sings:) _Whatever Shana wants_… (Music fades, to be replaced by _Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock!_) Hey, who turned down the music?!?!?!

Author: Oh, I was getting in the Christmas spirit, even tho I'm Jewish… there's just no escaping it, so you might as well get some presents. I didn't know you were using the music. Sorry. (turns sterio back on.)

Shana: Thanks. (sings:) _… Shana gets_

_And little man, little Shana wants you_

_Amke up your mind to have no regrets_

_Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through_

_I always get what I aim for_

_And your heart'n soul is what I came for_

_(Dance break: Shana forces Harry into a tango, then spins him into a chair and leans toward him then twists away and backwards, twirling her fluffy boa so much that it strangles her.)_

Shana: (Gags, gets the boa off in time for:)_ …Shana wants_

_Shana gets,_

_Take off your coat_

_Don't you know you can't win? _(Breathes hevily, runs offstage, eats an orange slice and chuggs a waterbottle, douses herself with the rest of it, drys herself with the boa, and nearly gets crushed as the boa absorbs the water and becomes six times her weight. She throws it off and it makes a dent in the tile floor nearby. She ignores it and runs back on stage.)

_You're no exception to the rule,_

_I'm irresistible, you fool, give in!...Give in!...Give in!_ (Stands triumphantly at the front of the stage; bows, then looks at the empty seating area.Crickets chirp. She looks around, puzzled, sidesteps a cane reaching out to snag her from offstage, and gets crushed by the curtain.)

A/N: Don't tell me, the ending was eff-ed up. I was going a bit sane, so I decided to stop before things got normal. Oh, nothing personal, Shana, your part could be played by anyone. I just wanted to get back at you for poking my so much, and for stealing my gun and chasing me around. You shot the sheriff… Oh, and I took most of the Dating Game lines from my theatre camp, Lucy Moses, so don't go giving me too much credit. Actually, you can if you want to, I don't mind. Ahem…


	6. Survivor 1

A/N: Here's a very friggin' long chapter... happy, vultures! Lolz... I'm sowwie... I love you all (except the ones that don't review... grrr...) I own nothing so leave me alone, lawyer-people. Sheesh.

* * *

**Survivor 1**

Author: Hello, and welcome to another edition in the dusty archive of this long-forgotten fanfic. I have a special surprise for all my friends...

(Everyone groans)

Author: That's right, we're gonna BE ON TV!

Harry: Hey, that's not so bad!

Dumbledore: (Shivers) D-d-don't trust her... she's evil, I tells ya... EEEEEEEEEEVIL!

Nursing Home Nurse: (Appears out of nowhere. Motheringly) Now, Albus, did you forget your pills again? Come on, we have to get you those pills...

Dumbledore: (Meekly) Yes'm. (Is lead away into nursing home)

Draco: Geez, what happened to _him_?

Ron: (Looks accusingly at Author) Did you break his brain?

Author: I think it had something to do with your Raven poem, actually. He's been in that home ever since he judged the EX-GAMES(!).

Hermione: Actually... (All stare) Actually... I think I made him go senile when I beat him at Chess and Poker in the same night. It was fun to watch. He started screaming and ran into a wall.

Harry: Cool!

Hermione: (Sweatdrops) Uh... Harry, you scream and run into walls all the time.

Harry: But its fun! (starts screaming, runs into wall, bounces off)

Ron: I'm beginning to think his skull's made of rubber.

Hermione: Really? I always thought that it was three inches thick. That would explain why he has such a tiny brain.

Ron: Well, either way. (Turns to stare as Harry goes flying into a wall again.) Fun to watch, though.

Author: Like I said, we're gonna be on TV! Or at least, this fanfic's crappy substitute. Let me introduce you to some people who will be joining us for today's show!

(Curtain goes up to reveal a group of people)

Author: Hogwarts' very own former mischief-making quad... cuar… quadra... trio plus one… plus one... lets welcome _The Marauders, _and the girl they were all after!

(James, Sirius, Lupin, Wormtail, and Lilly come out of the group. Harry runs up to Sirius and hugs his leg)

Harry: Oh, Sirius, I thought you were gone forever! I'm sooooooo glad to see you...

James: Um... Hay-looo! Father that you never knew here! Mother as well!

Harry: Oh. Right. (Detaches himself from Sirius, hugs James's leg instead) Daddy! I've missed you so much!

James: Uh... (Shakes leg, Harry doesn't come off) Harry, go back to Uncle Sirius.

Author: Ahem… our next group is the evil people!

(Curtain rises and reveals Voldemort, standing all alone.)

Voldemort: I'm so lonely!

(Crickets chirp)

Draco: Don't feel sad, Voldie! (Runs over and huggles Voldemort; everyone goes "awww…")

Author: Heyyyyyy… remember when I changed Hermione into Hermy Puckle back in chapter one?

Hermione: (Goes into scarred-for-life mode)

Ron: You mean, back when giant lizards roamed the earth?

Author: Pretty much. Well, by that same power as almighty-ruler-of-warped-fanfic-universe, I now decree that Voldemort will be known from now on as Voldie, because the other name takes to freakin' long to type!

Voldemo—Voldie: Hey! That's not menacing! Grrrr…

Author: With a little therapy, I think you'd be a real sweetie-pie.

Voldie: Thanks — HEY!

Author: Sooooo… let's get to today's torture… SURVIVOR!

Harry: (Pokes a duck)

Author: Harry… WTF was that?

Harry: A duck! Here, duckie duckie duckie… (chases duck)

Hermione: (Rolls eyes) well, that's the last we'll see of _him_… continue.

Author: Yeah… SURVIVIOR!

(All cower except for Harry, who is still off somewhere chasing his duck. He comes back and starts conversing with the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, who appeared out of nowhere.)

LCL: Aye, it's a lonely life, bein' Irish, mate.

Harry: Heh… You're green… Heh heh heh… Ooh! Sugar!

LCL: Hey! Ye'r after mi Lucky Charms!

Author: (Notices LCL) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MARSHMALLOWY GOODNESS! (chases LCL)

LCL: Ah, you're after mi' Lucky Charms, are yeh now? (Kicks Author in the shins)

Author: Ah! My shins… crippled… can't move…

Hermione: Sooooo… she can hold sorcerers like us prisoner here, but she can't catch an Irish midget?

Ron: Basically.

Hermione: Cool! Does anyone have a green jumpsuit I can borrow?

Author: Riiiiiiiiite… we'll play in teams… Team Number One, THE MARAUDERS! James, Sirius, Peter, Lupin, and Lilly! Team Number Two, EVERYONE'S FAVORITES! Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny! Team Number Three, EVIL DUDES! Voldie, Draco, and Snape!

Snape: Is this right? It's five against four against three! And I appeared here out of nowhere! I'm confused! WAAAAAHHHHH!

Draco: It's okay… there there… (Cuddles Snape. Snape whacks him)

Snape: Get. Off. Me.

Author: Well, let's even it out. Harry, your team gets Kenny! Remember him?

Kenny: (gibberish)

Hermione: Kenny! My beloved!

Ron: (Sweatdrops)

Author: And, Evil Dudes… Erm…

Harry: Duckie…

Hermione: (Slaps Harry) SNAP OUT OF IT!

Author: Thanks, Hermione! Now, the EVIL DUDES still need one more player… lets see… how about…

(A _cookie-mobile_ drives up with a bumper sticker that says "Real Men Eat Cookies.")

Ron: Who's he, and what's with that bumper sticker?

Author: No idea about the bumper sticker. And as for _who_…

(Door of the cookie-mobile opens dramatically with a puff of smoke, and out steps…)

Pillsbury Doughboy: Tada!

(Everyone swarms around him and pokes him. They leave. He rubs his stomach.)

Doughboy: Ooh… Ouch, I think I got punctured…

Snape: Hey! We still need one more player!

Author: Oh wait, Wormtail's evil now, right? So, he's with you guys. So we're all even… except for the good guys. They get Kenny, because he's cooler than all of you.

Sirius: You don't think I'm cool? (Starts to cry) My mommy thinks I'm cool!

James: (Pats Sirius on the back.) It's okay, Sirius… (Whispers to Author) Hey, can we get him a shrink or something?

Author: Eh, maybe later…

Hermione: Don't worry about it. We never got Harry a shrink, and he has some BIIIIIIG problems… and he's okay.

Harry: (Pokes Doughboy) Hehe… you're squiiiiiiishy… (Pokes)

James: You call that "okay?" What are YOU like, you… you… Harry's girlfriend!

Sirius: (Recovered from crying fit.) Okay, James, three things. Hermione is perfectly sane, except for her abnormal brain size, her nagging, and her infatuation with Ron, which she is in denial of.

Hermione: HEY! I'm not in denial! I mean, I don't like Ron! I mean… oh, crap… (Goes to poke Doughboy with Harry)

Ron: Does that mean she likes me?

Ginny: You're pathetic, Ron. Well yeah, we all know she likes you, and you like her… You'll definitely start going out some time next year.

Ron: How do you know that, Ginny? Are you psychic? Are you physic?

Ginny: Physic? Ron, that's a branch of science.

Ron: Uh… sorry. Are you psychic?

Ginny: No, I just know that you two have to start going out before the series ends.

Sirius: Which leads me to my second point; Hermione isn't Harry's girlfriend, even though she's a total genius. No, Harry's going out with Ginny. (Points to Ginny)

James: My son is going out with that physic!

Sirius: Psychic, James.

Ginny: I'm not friggin' psychic!

Hermione: I think he meant psycho.

James: Yeah… what she said.

Ginny: Hehe… I am a bit of a psycho…

Author: Yeah Ginny! You kick ass, gurl! (High-fives Ginny) You're totally awesome in the books… you've been so good lately that I'm going to give you a present.

Ron: Hey! Why does SHE get a present?

Author: Because she has to make out with Harry.

Ron: o.0 … oh.

Author: Here you go, Ginny. (Gives Ginny a digital camera)

Ginny: Sweeeet!

Author: Wait, even better…

(Draco appears in a puff of smoke, wearing a frilly dress)

Ginny: Wow… (Starts snapping pictures)

Draco: What am I doing over here!

Lupin: Is it just me, or should he really have asked about the dress first?

Author: That's the funny part; I was gonna put him in a dress, but he was already wearing one!

Draco: (Sings) I feel pretty… oh so pretty… I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaaay!

Ginny: Damn right.

Author: I think you've got enough pictures. He's getting annoying. (Zaps Draco back to the Evil Dudes huddle.)

James: Wow, she really does kick ass.

Sirius: And lastly, while Harry is certifiable insane, everyone pokes the Doughboy. (Takes James over to poke the Doughboy)

James: Hey, this is fun!

Doughboy: Ow… eep… I demand to see a lawyer—hoo hoo!

Author: (Pokes Doughboy) Hey, wait, the teams are screwed up… the Marauders have one less player… lets see… they get the Doughboy and the Evil People have to be one player short because they all suck.

Draco: Hey! (Sobs)

Author: So the teams stand, Hermione & Harry & Ron & Ginny & Kenny, Voldie & Malfoy & Snape & Wormtail, Lilly & James & Lupin & Sirius & Doughboy. Tune in next time for when I get over my typer's cramp! I'm makin' this two-part! (Don't complain, this thing is 12 freakin' pages!) Beware, the cliffhanger… (Cliffhanger falls off a cliff) Oops. Oh well…

* * *

A/N:**QWERTY QWERTY QWERTYY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY QWERTY!** (Deep breaths) And I swear, I never used cut-and-paste! I did it all by hand! (sings off key) I am the champion… Riiiiiight, I don't know where the QWERTY came from… I probably fell asleep on the keyboard… XDD 


End file.
